I'm sorry, sir

In order to have UCLA start processing my bills with the uninsured cost mitigation apparatus (charities, lawyers, etc.), the woman at UCLA tells me that she needs a statement from Health Advocates that they've declined to assist me. Since my previous call with HA was pretty quick and painless, I assume this will be too. So, I google their phone number (since once again the numbers they provided me don't work), then call 'em. I get routed to the same case manager, I tell her that I need a written record of being denied there.

But according to the case manager, there is no possible way to send me a letter (or UCLA a letter) saying that I was denied. I don't have a problem with being denied—I don't meet their criteria. But it starts going pear-shaped when the case manager will only tell me that I've been denied verbally.

"You can't type up a letter that says that?"
"No. That's why I am advising you verbally that we are unable to help."
"So, you can't create any sort of written paper trail on that?"
"No, that's company information that we can't share with you."
"But you can share it verbally."
"Yes. That's why I'm telling you verbally."
"Why can't you give me a written notice?"
"I told you, sir, that we tell you verbally."
"Yeah, I heard that. That's saying that you can't do it, not why you can't do it. That's a different question."
"I am sorry sir, but we can't provide letters."
"I'm sorry, but that's nonsense. You physically can't type a letter?"
"What would it have in it?"
"That you declined to assist me. Just like you told me."
"Yes, sir, but I told you verbally."

In the end, she gives me the number for the liaison who works for Health Advocates at UCLA. So, in the end, Health Advocates seems quite less on the ball than they previously did. I mean, seriously, you can't find a bit of letterhead and send me a note?

Yeah, see, it's the going there thing…

At the hospital, the social worker that was handling my case said that the UCLA health advocates would contact me, put me in contact with UCLA's lawyers (who would generally help recover the cost of my stay without having to go through the personal injury rigmarole) and line me up for charities.

So, I get this urgent letter from the Health Advocates, and because neither of the phone numbers listed work (800 or 888), I gotta google 'em to get the right local contacts. I end up talking to them and come to find out that they only do the paperwork for Medical/care/SSI/what have you. And, they only do the paperwork if you have minor children (which is why they asked, "Are you sure your girlfriend isn't pregnant?" several times, and I'm like, "Jeez, I hope not. That's the last thing we need right now.") or if you're going to have a disability of over a year. Otherwise, the woman told me, you gotta go down to the Medical and Medicare offices in person. (Amy immediately asked "Why in person?" but I was too busy with my convivial, "Yes, yes, that makes sense," during the interview to ask, because I'm a dumbass.)

So, I guess that's put off until I can reliably get places, though I have to apply—and be rejected—before UCLA will issue their final billing. I realize that Health Advocates are really there for people who are worse off and really can't manage this—despite the accident being pretty fucking undesirable, I really am pretty fortunate on the whole—but I guess what makes me one of those damn socialists is that I really wish there was adequate funding to obviate the hassle for me too.